FREE WRITING

Random scribblings that i hope will lead me somewhere. kind of like scattering beans on the floor and hoping to make a shape out of them.. a bunny, an ak-47...anything!

i like how a song gets under your skin and takes over you in an all consuming, almost obsessive way...i need to sing it..i need to know it...know about it and maybe play it. and then, without any warning or signs of fading, it gets out. Completely in its own time.. like a dog with a ball...there's no determinant to say how long and or even why its there..but it is. I suppose i identify with unreasonable and non-explanatory right now. Maybe I just like its inconsequential nature"...and all she sees is the rain.."

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i recently spent an alice in wonderland afternoon on the net (if you ever have the time...and you will...just get onto wiki and type in a word and then just read about it and click on any link at random and keep going till you dont..it sometimes leads you to some pretty special places..and no i don't mean porn....this time anyhow!) and i somehow found myself reading up about all these 50's and 60's music stars' lives ..marvin gaye jn., sam cooke, etc... and i learnt that these people's lives were as twisted as their music was clean and sweet! (ok granted that songs like "lets get it on" arent really wholesome but somehow everything from those eras sounded "safe" or benign really) ...and for some reason thats left a bad taste in my mouth (albeit the kind of taste thats so minor you blame it on the water or something). I mean i couldve gone through life without knowing that Marvin, who was a twisted porn, freaky masochistic, group voyuer (basically pretty much everything!) sex addict, heroin junkie, was shot dead by his abusive cross-dressing father!! I know its not really a big deal but trust me, this unpleasent thought will pass through your heads the next time you hear an all time great song like "sexual healing" and "let's get it on"!! I suppose its just one of those santa claus moments and largely just the general emotion of dulling one feels when they find one more layer of belief being stripped away in favour of reality. so much for growing up!

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i find myself caught many times between what life is, and what life is supposed to be by now. That last about 5 minutes and then I start to wonder about just how or why do we think about how its supposed to be!! How did that general set if ideals come about anyhow? is all of society, social behavior, right and wrong, good and evil, based on a set of notions? and if so, again, how did we come about them and who came up with them anyhow?? besides these questions themselves, just think about the right/ wrong notion for a second - who determined that throwing a stone at someone was wrong and smiling was right? was it just one power mad prehistoric chief somewhere who went about saying yes / no, or was it based on your human physical reactions to something. And if thats the case i understand when one gets hit by a stone and bleeds, its easier to feel that the stone throwing was wrong...but does one feel pain only when something wrong is done??
coming back to the general life notions...we've always been told that money will get made, the love of our lives will fly in and we'll get married, and we'll live out our lives and everything will be alright. But will it? who here can honestly say they were sitting at their desk closing their million (pick your currency) deal with a person ( who they fell in love with the second they laid eyes on them) and are now getting married?!

i dont know where im going with this..but it felt good to scatter the beans. now i think ill wait for someone to help me make the bunnies, or ak-47's or whatever!